Being Alone

As most who know me know, I love being alone.

I can spend days, if not weeks, without human contact and not even bat an eye. I’m not saying this as some badge of honor or anything. Merely as a fact about me. And one pertinent to what I’m about to tell you…

Recently, my husband was heading to the East Coast to visit his mother for some one-on-one time. I was planning to stay home and enjoy my alone time.

Well… things didn’t go exactly as planned.

It just so happened that my grandfather passed away and his funeral was scheduled during the eight days my husband was also away, so needless to say, my alone time at home was interrupted with a four-day-trip to New York.

I had a day alone before flying to the east coast and then I had three days alone after returning.

I know this sounds ridiculous but I was savoring each one of them.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love and adore my husband and we are seriously perfect for each other BUT we BOTH work from home and though our apartment is nice and large, our kitchen is the size of a bathroom (not kidding!) so when we’re both in there, moving is difficult. For someone like myself who loves (no, needs) alone time, this is all very difficult. I also work nights part-time so my sleep schedule is all over the place.

Anywho…

My grandfather’s funeral was beautiful and we celebrated him with love. I have no regrets and loved him very much.

When I returned home, I was keenly aware of my alone time countdown. I reverted back to the Christina who lived alone for seven years. I pee’d with the door open, I walked around with zit cream on, I worked wherever and whenever I wanted. I slept soundly as there was no one there who could wake me up. I cooked what I liked and didn’t care if the house smelled of shrimp (my husband despises it!) All in all, I had a good time. Not gonna lie.

I was so enthralled with this aloneness though, that I shared a little too much about it with my loving partner, who needless to say did not care too much to hear about how happy I was living it up in Aloneville.

Our reunion wasn’t as heartwarming as it should have been and I take the blame. Rather than express how much I was enjoying being alone, perhaps I should have told my husband how much I missed him.

But the funny part of this whole story, the reason I am writing this long tale, is that I didn’t realize I missed him until after he came home.

I know. Crazy. But that’s how it went.

First, I started to see how nice it was to have him by my side at night. Falling asleep on him is one of my favorite places in the world to be. And sleeping alone, though it was great to sleep diagonally in silence with all the covers, didn’t seem as significant as before. And when something good happened, like when a piece of mine got published, sharing it with him made it so much more meaningful than smiling to no one in the room.

I also realized coming home from work to an empty place isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. Sure, the freedom to do whatever you want is tempting, but much less satisfying that coming home to a smiling partner, who is waiting to eat dinner with you and genuinely tells you they missed you all day.

But what really got me thinking was a few days after my husband returned, I shared with him how much I loved him and that I try to learn about us and grow every day and how I want to show him this more… and you know what, it turned around his entire day, taking it from a shitty one to not so bad.

Love is powerful.

It teaches us daily if we’re open to it. But with it, comes responsibility.

Thank you, Don. For putting up with my demand for alone time but you know what, I might not need it as much as I thought…

 

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My Grandpa’s Funeral

For those who don’t know, I sometimes write in a stream of conscious way. For this post, I’ll be doing so…

Il funerale di mio nonno

after the news, tears came. then came the plans. flights were booked. messages were sent. i just wanted to get there. flying was a nightmare but worth it. sleep would be had whenever possible. met parents at the buffalo airport at 6 am est after leaving LA the day before at 9 am pst. hugs with them, especially my mother. my beautiful mother.

la mia bella nonna. my beautiful grandmother. more tears came before a little sleep. then the wake. four hours of visitors. family seen, some I’ve seen recently and others I hadn’t. it was beautiful. and touching. and emotional. and a testament to my grandfather.

being surrounded by his family was his favorite thing in the world. and that was exactly how we celebrated him.

my aunts and uncles and cousins planned a wonderful memorial to him. it was absolutely lovely. hearing about his last moments made me understand what true love looked like. till the moment my grandfather passed, he thought about his wife. and the fact he was surrounded by family in those last (surprisingly) lucid hours makes me feel good. i know he wouldn’t want it any other way.

he was 97. lived an extraordinary and beautiful life (from fighting for the Italians and stationed in Africa to becoming a prisoner of war in the US during WWII to immigrating his family to America in the 1950s) and he gave me my mother. for that I will be forever thankful.

seven months ago I took my husband to meet him. i’m so grateful I had those moments with him. when he wasn’t giving me advice on having children (he did not like that we chose not too, haha!) he was telling his grandson-in-law stories about Sicily and our family’s early years in America. and he was still making my grandmother blush with stories about stealing kisses when she was in her teens.

the funeral and reception gave family and friends a time to honor him one last time before laying his body to rest.

and that’s when I looked around, saw all of my family’s faces in the same room and was filled with a warmth that I believe was love.

family.

love.

it’s what it’s truly all about, no?

thank you Nonno. I love you. and may you rest in peace and meet your love again wherever you are…

 

Losing 20 pounds – post 6

Hello again. It’s me, the same 141-pound woman who is trying to lose weight but keeps failing at it.

I’m still at that above weight mark. Fortunately, I haven’t gained more but I am not losing either and am getting beyond frustrated.

But then, leave it to my loving husband, to bring me to reality and tell me the real reason my weight loss plan is not going as well as I’d hope –

I drink too much wine.

There’s nothing like a glass of wine or two after a long restaurant shift but that’s 300+ empty calories I’m taking in. There’s nothing like a glass of wine as I write my latest article but wouldn’t some green tea be a much healthier pairing? There’s nothing like a fun happy hour on the weekends but really, is three glasses necessary followed by more at dinner?

When I think about how much I involve wine in my life, I realize it’s likely the reason I am struggling with losing weight. As my husband pointed out to me, my eating habits have gotten healthier and are not bad. It’s the extra calories and carbs that come along with this beloved beverage of mine (yet another unhealthy one…)

So, here it is. I need to be honest with myself. I am going to drink much less. I will likely be grumpy about it but I know it will help with my weight loss goals, not to mention it’s just plain healthier living.

Wish me luck. I’m gonna need it.

And thank you all for following along on this journey of mine. Your support means a lot to me.

XO

Quitting Diet Coke – uh oh

I’ve been dreading writing this post. In fact, a friend of mine just last night asked me about my Diet Coke addiction and I told her the post was coming, knowing full well I should have written it by now… Thankfully, she reminded me I shouldn’t wait any longer.

So here goes…

When I went to Palm Springs March 21-23, I allowed myself a few Diet Cokes. Hey, I was on vacation, so I gave myself a pass.

But then, I returned home and went without them for a bit but then allowed a couple here and there. I have by no means returned to drinking that dark bubbly liquid but I would say I’ve allowed about four or so and I’ve only been back three backs.

See, I opened the door and unfortunately, the timing sucks.  I remembered how helpful it can be for losing weight and if you’ve been following my other series, you can appreciate that a DC is helpful. If you opt for this soda, it has no sugar. And for me, it can tide me over all morning/afternoon, letting me have my first meal in the later afternoon without batting an eye and for intermittent fasting, that is awesome.

I should mention I don’t drink coffee so without it,  intermittent fasting is much more difficult.

BUT NO

I have to stop myself. I’m better off without it, keeping it in very small doses, for traveling and weddings and such :) so I just have to come up with another solution.

FYI I have not gained weight but I haven’t lost either.

The struggle is so real people. And for me, it’s daily.

Still weighing in at 141.

Stay tuned….

Family Is Love

Hi All!

I made a little one minute short film with my niece and nephews this weekend to submit for a filmmaking grant by Moet Champagne.

If you have a moment, please visit it’s site here to watch and vote if you like it!

Children are everything. Let’s celebrate them.

http://www.moetfilmfest.com/entry/family-is-love

Thank you!!

I had a Diet Coke

I admit it. I had a Diet Coke.

But please! Allow me a story before you make judgement…

My husband and I went on a little getaway this past weekend after we both had some big deadlines to hit for our careers. He’s finishing producing/mixing an EP album and I just finished Part 2 of the book I’m writing, which was the big one of it!

Anyway, we went south east to lounge in natural hot springs (nature’s jacuzzi) in the middle of Palm Desert, CA. It was awesome. We got to know each other even better than we do while getting out with nature and just breathing.

BUT

Something I like to do on vacay is have a Diet Coke.

I know, I know. It’s not ideal but I like to splurge while vacaying and well, DC is part of that so….

I allowed myself a few. I have not, however, had one since we’ve been back (Sat) and I’m okay without any.

SO……..

I was thinking. Can I be a limited DC drinker?

Now, I get it. I sound like an alcoholic asking if they can have the occasional drink…

But here’s the thing. What if I can? Is it so bad to have a few DC’s throughout the YEAR?

I quit the daily disgusting habit but a handful throughout the year…. well….

I know it will come down to if this opened the gateway for me to DC destruction. I do not plan to allow it but I will write again about this in a month to either assure you I haven’t touched Diet Coke or to admit I was woefully wrong.

Stay tuned…

Losing 15 – no wait, 20 – pounds post 5

Seeing that my weight is now at 141, I decided to change the title of these posts to reflect the truth.

I want to lose 20 pounds after I somehow gained a few pounds while I tried to lose… what?! I know…. (read post 4.)

This past week has been okay. I haven’t added any weight but I’m still not losing. It’s beyond frustrating.

The little changes I’ve made along the way feel good but they are clearly not enough and not as effective as I want them to be.

So, I’ve been doing some research for external help. Weight watchers app seems cool but another method has caught my attention.

Intermittent fasting.

This has been tremendously helpful to my husband, who maintains his chiseled physique with the gym, healthy eating, minimal drinking and intermittent fasting.

The idea is to fast for 16 hours a day. I’m not sure if this is going to work for me, but I’m going to give it a try since I don’t like to eat in the morning and typically wait till the afternoon to eat anyway. It’s not a diet per se, but a style of eating.

I am going to start this in a week because my husband and I are going out of town this week to do a little relaxing since I finished a large section of the book I’m writing and he finished mixing an album he’s working on (he’s an audio engineer/producer) and I don’t want to fast on vacation. I mean, come on….

BUT, I will be beginning this next week and in the meantime, I am going to accept myself and my body and feel confident rocking my bathing suit at the pool, all 141 pounds of me.

#losingfifteenpoundsdamnit